Dispelling Common Myths about Asexuality
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Welcome to the other AA - Asexuals Anonymous
During my life I have run into a lot of people who are completely perplexed by me and it seems a lot of them think along the same mistaken lines when it comes to the topic of asexuality. I have decided to write an article, a bit of a wake up call to the world, to let non-asexuals know what asexuality really is, not what the pop psychologists think it is by basing their theories on apathetic amoebas...
1. Asexuality is just another word for celibacy. This is not the case. Celibacy is practiced by a person who generally does feel sexual attraction to others but refrains from sexual activity (often for religious or moral reasons but not always.) Asexuals are people who genuinely have no interest in any sexual activity with another person, regardless of circumstance.
2. Asexuality doesn't really exist in humans. Oh contraire, asexuality has been documented in humans going back to the infamous Kinsey report in the 1950's. Sure, the Kinsey scale only allowed for the measurement of attraction from heterosexual, to ambisexual, to homosexual, but there was a vague mention of asexuals who were labeled in the original research under "X" - meaning they didn't fit the above categories at all. Since then a few studies have been done that suggest that as much as 1 or 2% of the entire world population could be asexual - males and females.
3. Asexuals are just closeted homosexuals who don't want to face up to their sexuality. This one was always a kicker for me, something whispered behind my back since I hit puberty. My best friend through middle and high school insisted I must be a lesbian through an aggravating lack of understanding. I had my fun with this one... gave her the right answer (I'm asexual) before she threw that back in my face, "You are not!" After that I made up a boyfriend, made incredibly ambiguous statements, and told her I was every orientation I could think of just for chuckles. In any event, if I were a lesbian it would have been a lot easier to pretend to be straight if it were the case. Surely if I really wanted to I could have played straight. I could take notes on who the other chicks found appealing and merely tepidly agreed or I could have even reached a little farther out and picked someone whose voice or speech patterns I liked. It wouldn't have been that hard.
4. Asexuals are just people who have repressed their sexuality. Often times religion is tied into this one and I do understand why religion would screw with someone's head. I've seen plenty of churches do massive damage to young people by telling them they can never do anything right (everything's a sin so why even try anymore?) Celibacy is encouraged in many churches but celibacy is different from asexuality. An asexual who finds themselves married still won't want to have sex, that's what defines them, where as a celibate person would likely become sexual after marriage. Most would be quite surprised to know that many asexuals come from nonreligious backgrounds with loving supportive families.
5. Asexuality is the result of a shattered emotional state/ Female asexuals have just had bad experiences with men. Though this may be true in some cases it's certainly not true in all cases. A negative experience doesn't have to predate asexuality. In fact most asexuals probably feel they were born that way, not created later in life to be that way.
6. You just haven't met the right man (or woman) Asexuals are not all against love and relationships. Often times they do have relationships with others but the fact that they don't wish to engage in sex remains the same, regardless of whether they are single or not. Platonic relationships often fill the void for companionship. Should the rest of the world consider these relationships any less serious then the couples who are sexually involved with each other? Personally I don't think so as these couples form the same bonds, the same emotional responses, the same instinct to love and protect each other. A lack of sex doesn't mean a lack of genuine human attachment.
7. Asexuals are abnormal - they have something wrong with them. Not enough studies have been done on asexuals to prove or disprove that they are any different physically from a healthy sexually active person. Hormones (or the lack there of) may be involved but that doesn't mean they need to be "fixed." Asexuals are generally comfortable with their life, few seek to become sexualized (and those that do are automatically slapped with a Sexual Aversion Disorder Label which may have been unjustified.) If sex is not a problem in their lives then there's no reason to fix something that's not broken. If I 'cure' were found for asexuality I'm betting the majority of asexuals would probably ignore it and go on living their lives. Asexuality is after all just a big a part of someone's personality as sexual orientation is to someone who is sexual. It should be noted humans aren't the only ones who show asexual behavior. It's been documented on occasion in other mammals (which makes the psychological standpoint ridiculous.)
8. Asexuals are just naive about sex - if they try it they might like it. Asexuals are rarely naive, if you know any you might find they are remarkably perceptive and well educated on the mechanics of sex. This is easy to understand because a lot of asexuals are perplexed by the energy put forth by our peers that goes into sex or trying to achieve sex. It's not unusual for any of us to innocently and curiously look into it like any other subject of interest. Some asexuals may be capable of having a positive physical reaction to sex itself but that doesn't necessarily mean they will enjoy it or seek more of it. In fact many asexuals do experiment at least once. Some claim sex is mildly fun or interesting in the same way making model airplanes or reading a book is mildly fun or interesting. Generally they go back to the way they were.
9. Asexuals are just severe misanthropes who can't stand people enough to screw one. This may sometimes be true... Heaven knows I'm not particularly fond of a great many people, but that doesn't really enter the sex question. Even misanthropes have their scandalous affairs, driven by the same biological mechanisms that drives everyone else. Hell, even Mencken got married and I can't think of a worse misanthrope then him!
10. Asexuality is just an excuse not to deal with people who are attracted to you. I think sometimes the outside world takes on this attitude but it's not justified. Just because I, or someone else, feels no physical attraction to you, it doesn't mean this should be taken personally. Asexuals rarely feel attraction towards anyone. In fact a great many of them will be shocked to know anyone would feel that way towards them. You can see why many don't like to be touched in any way - they risk giving the wrong impression and that's never a good thing.
Further Reading
If anyone has any questions to ask me on my own asexuality please feel to comment publicly or privately and I'll do my best to answer. Otherwise I've written a few blogish articles on the subject so feel free to check them out.
A Misanthropic Asexual's Veiws on Dating
For More Articles by Theophanes...
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I agree with robie2...always insightful and thought-provoking!
I never knew about this, thanks for this article. You have actually shed some light on things I wondered about, not for myself, but others. Very informative.
Wow, this is a really nice article. Number 9, I haven't read in any asexual accounts. Good job.
Thanks for writing these points down. I can identify with almost all of them. You are a myth buster in my book
A male friend has told me he is asexual ,but also tells me he feels different from day to day ,ie wants me to do sexual things to him ,but doesnt want to full sex with me ,or others ,is he asexual or really confused about sex ? im female
Hi,
I'm very sure I'm asexual, as like you mentioned above, I just don't feel attracted to anyone nor am I curious about sex, I've accepted this and come to be proud of it!
Though once I've come to University It's starting to bother me as no one seems to accept it, or are looking for some reason for it or trying to convince me to change. I agree with all you've said! I don't see it as a problem so why the hell should I have to try change it? This is just me ranting as I'm so annoyed with those that try convince me I'm wrong in being like this! Argh!
Hi Heart, there's a lot of gray area between asexuality and sexuality. It could be he's curious what it's all about but not curious enough to want to go all the way or he could just be avoidant of full sex for other reasons. There are people out there who are not technically asexual that prefer other intimate activities to intercourse as well. Perhaps you should start a dialogue and ask.
ANON, I've been there before! (Check out the other articles I wrote linked to the bottom of this one... you'll see the same rant!) If you don't have a problem with the way you are don't let anyone else bother you. Or you could start a conversation with them and tell them your point of veiw. Perhaps compare them trying to turn you into a sexual being as being the same as someone telling a gay person to be straight. There's no difference as asexuality IS an orientation! Best wishes!
This outline helped me a great deal. I never really delved into my soul this way, but my husband of 23 years is finally leaving me. He knows the truth now, and I'm sure he feels somewhat "deceived," but I never set out to TRICK him or lure a lifetime cash cow. I wanted the home I never had as a child, and I longed to be what society perceives as "normal," but that meant pretending that I was/could be, and prayerfully, even might be some distant day, but it's been almost 49 years, and I am not. I lost or dumped every previous love interest I ever had because of sex. Though I am no psychologist, I don't tend to believe that occasional "rectal molestations," or insistant, unnecessary anal intrusions by our family doctor until I was probably 8-10 years of age, have had much to do with my inhibition, despite vivid memories of these "rapes," though they are also a part of me. Only in recent years had I realized that I had screamed until my throat nearly bled due to the shame of being forced to strip, the struggling, the immobility, the discomfort, and having the heat of a strange man draped over my back. Never mattered whether I had the flu or a splinter, I was going to "get it" when I was dragged there. I never knew how to/what to describe to my mother about my terror, and she would never question the actions of any authoritative figure. Despite these tragic instances in my life, I am still very attracted to men and relish their frienships and sexual inquiries (though I have a favorably distinct "black hair and five-o'clock shadow" obsession), but I have been unable to "pretend" there could be more, anymore. I don't know if I'll ever make sense to anyone but me or my Savior in this lifetime. Please pray for me.
Theo,
I have a very close friend who says he is asexual and recently informed me that he is in love with me. I'm not sure if I like him or not, but for now I've told him no partially because I'm unsure of what asexuality means and how that would affect a relationship (because I'm a normal, heterosexual girl who is very interested in sex and intimate activity). He has tried having sex before, and he just has very little sexual desire (but not an aversion). How have you approached romantic relationships with non-asexuals? Or have you just avoided them entirely? I'm unsure of what to do because I feel like a relationship might ultimately result in a frustrating/unsatisfying situation for both of us, but I just don't know. Any advice or guidance you could give me would be really helpful.
I really learned through this. I appreciate it a lot. Before tonight I'd only heard asexual once or twice in passing but never really gave a second thought to what it actually is. Now that I have read this and learned so much I feel like this may be a possibility for me. I like girls a lot and I love looking at them and noticing them and I could see myself dating and kissing and cuddling and being emotionally close but honestly I don't really see any interest in sexual acts. I know about them and I know how my friends all are pretty much looking for it but I just want someone to be close to. I've thought to myself at timest that when I get a girlfriend I would want our relationship to be that of an older couple where sex isn't important and just bein together and happy is. There would be kissing and holding hands and cuddling but that's about it. This explanation seems to me to go with what I want and it makes me think that perhaps I am asexual. I guess we'll see over years to come. Just wanted to say thanks though.
i love you. this was beautiful.
The truth about asexuals is...they are merely depressed.=>(fact)=(truth)=(period)
@ know_everything you are so wrong.
I never knew there wash a name for it. I'm asexual.
Your article brought tears to my eyes, because at last, someone understands! I'm a woman, age 42, that has been with both sexes since age 22 trying to figure out what this whole "sex" obsession society has.
Now I feel that I'm done with sex... it was good but been there, done that--but my female partner of 7 years doesn't feel the same way. I'm probably going to lose my home because of this. I really wish I felt the same way about sex but I NEVER have... not as a teen, not in my 20's, not in my 30's, and not now. But apparently, I'm not as good as faking it now as I used to be.
Except for that, we have a great life. But all that means nothing if the sex isn't good, apparently.
I really wish I "got" it.
ugh... i'm ace and i can't count the number of times i've heard the "you just haven't met the right person" and "you'd magically become sexual if you had sex!" arguments. it drives me crazy how no one seems to know about asexuality, and if you tell someone about it, they just seem to push it aside, like it's just some phase... anyways, great article! /rant :D
can anyone help me?! i am 100% sure that i am asexual but i dont want to be! i want to find someone to share the rest of my life with and have kids with but i dont ever want a sexual relationship! how can this work am i destined to be alone forever?
Asexuals probably have attachment issues or traumas they are not aware of. At least, that would be my suspicion.
I have a few questions above totally fails to clarify that interest me. Firstly is asexuality designated a paraphilia or a sexual deviation or perfectly normal & healthy. Secondly you explain asexuals are just not sexually attracted "to other people". But does that mean you habitually get your sexual pleasure alone in a single bed from thoughts or experiences that a normal heterosexual or gay male or female does not consider sex related, such as about your job or sport or whatever? If so do you enjoy orgasms after turn on by yourself alone in your bed before you fall asleep or perhaps in the bath or when you are on break in the toilet at your workplace? Or do you just never get libidinous sensations e.g. you never get an erection in the way heterosexuals, gays and deviants alike do? And do you have erotic dreams when you are asleep?
A Person, attachment issues would be emotional and asexuals are quite willing to have emotional relationships. Just because someone is asexual does not mean that they cannot bond with another person emotionally as a heterosexual person can. It's simply that they don't want to have sex with that person that they have bonded with.
So, someone who still has a sexual drive, but doesn't enjoy it, would not be asexual?
@ M, Yeah, I have a sex drive and am asexual.
Asexuality is not *wanting* to have sex with anyone or thing.
Your points are interesting, but when you say 1% of world population might be asexual I tend to believe the percentage could be much higher? But do you define those who do not have any urge nor desire to ever share their bed with somebody else as asexual? And do you include within that envelope people of both genders who may enjoy solo sex frequently but their thoughts while so doing are not about human sexual contact but they may be aroused by thoughts about such ideas as work or sport or objects or warfare etc. that a normal person does not consider erotic. You do not make clear if your definition embraces such people?
Alright. I s'pose I'm asexual.
I know two different people -- one male and one female -- who have never had romantic relationships with anyone else, kissed anyone else, professed attraction to anyone, etc. I don't think either of these people, however, are truly asexual -- I think they have different issues that are preventing them from living normal lives. One of them -- the female -- lives with her mother despite being in her late 20s and has no close friends other than her mother. The male, while he has never had a girlfriend, still masterbates and looks at porn, so he obviously feels some kind of attraction to the people he sees in porn.
I'm asexual - gay,straight or bi is a lie and gives me no identity
Asexual does - due to a medical condition since birth this is who I am
I have absolutely no interest in sex at all - with anyone
This is no copout , don't need to seek counseling - amazing some think I need counseling - for what? I can't be talked into wanting sex lol
I have no libido ,never will and don't want one
There is too much drama with sex that I don't deal with
Bottom line I'm not "scared of the unknown" - I have absolutely no interest in the known
I can't have kids , don't want them
Sex meets no need of mine
Nothing wrong with me
I'm just different
Thank you for this Hub. It is very informational and sheds a light on humans who are free from the 'call of the wild'. Wasn't Alfred Hitchcock asexual? Voted up
While I'm sure there are legitimate asexuals, I sometimes fear that sexual people with traumas will latch on to this label so they don't have to deal with underlying emotional issues.
You know what I would like? A comedy movie with an asexual protagonist. Like a big comedy movie (think Judd Apatow).
Does one already exist (like from the 70's or 80's)
I'm gonna guess no. Dexter Morgan was the closest to that, but they had to go make him straight for the show (I hear this wasn't the case in the books). Have to please mainstream audiences, I see. Figures.
Hi Theophanes,
Thanks for your blogs.
I'm not sure if I'm asexual, but the thought of not having to have sex lifts a burden from my shoulders.
I'm wondering if you could tell me where I could find more information on this topic or even better , a forum for finding an asexual partner (male or female).
I live in Germany and I have the impression that there is even less interest in the topic than in the US (if that's where you writing from).
Thanks, Shekaga
I'm asexual, but I would like to get married and adopt (I don't want to have a child of my own, I would if I didn't Have to have sex)but I wouldn't want an open relationship and you can't expect a sexual person to never have sex! so it would be another asexual person, and I haven't ever met one. so...
what exacly is an asexual because i dont feel sexualy attracted to anyone, but i also dont wat to be in a relationship or hug and kiss it this still asexuality?
Laura, yes, what you described is still asexual. Asexuality has several different branches. I would go further as to suggest that you may be aromantic, in that you have no desire to form a relationship/hug/kiss. But i'll say this, I used to be exactly like that..not interested in hugging/kissing etc at all, relationships were of no impotance to me. Until i met my boyfriend, i've remained 100% asexual though, that's never changing, im the kind that doesn't want it even for the sake of my partner. :)
I've recently come into contact with the term "asexual" through my college level Gender and Sexuality class. Today in class we had an asexual guest speaker, and she gave a somewhat different perspective on asexuality than I'd previously heard. She said that she enjoys sex when she has it, but doesn't feel like it's an important part of life and has only had sex with one other person. Her story really spoke to me and made me start wondering if asexuality would explain some of the feelings that I have. For example, while I find people of both genders nice to look at, I don't really get sexually attracted to other people - although I have had sex with multiple partners and enjoyed it, I enjoy the closeness/intimacy of it more than I enjoy the act itself, and am more satisfied by knowing that I'm bringing my partner pleasure than by anything he does to/for me. I've looked around all afternoon, and every site or article I've found about asexuality doesn't leave any room for an asexual to be sexually active, so I'm not comfortable identifying as an asexual, but I'm not willing to say I'm not asexual either. Any suggestions or insights?
Thank you for this, Theo. And thank you for being willing to open yourself up to criticism for the sake of education and understanding. It can certainly be a touchy subject, but the information you've provided here is informative without emotional judgment or condemnation.
It's well written too, which helps gives you credibility to those who might otherwise challenge the whole idea. I fully intend to read as many of your other hubs on the topic I can!
Rated up / awesome! (^_^)
"Asexuals are not all against love and relationships. Often times they do have relationships with others but the fact that they don't wish to engage in sex remains the same, regardless of whether they are single or not." Yes.
"I like girls a lot and I love looking at them and noticing them and I could see myself dating and kissing and cuddling and being emotionally close but honestly I don't really see any interest in sexual acts." - Hud
I can say the exact same thing (although about boys).
Finally I know the reason why? I could never understand why sex never interested me or why its something I find strange. Thanks for the answer.
I actually found this hub while looking for someone intertested in asexual companionship. Does anyone know a good place to find asexual "cuddle buddies?" I'm not aromantic, but I am certain that, at least right now, I am asexual.
PS: It's so weird to finally have a title for this; I just learned this about myself this week. I still want kids, just not "my" kids. I want a partner, just not a sexual one. Interesting, huh?
becca - So sorry for the very late reply but I'll still answer your question. Personally I'd step with caution but I wouldn't rule out the possibility altogether. If you get along great and are interested in that companionship there are ways to deal with it. Some asexuals are in 'open' relationships with their sexual partner, allowing their partners to have sex with anyone they choose so long as the main companion part of their relationship stayed the same. Other asexuals are willing to work with a sexual partner. It's really up to you two but if it's an uncomfortable situation either talk about it or avoid it. All relationships have their complications, this could potentially be a big one.
know_everything: I am glad you have decided you know everything. Perhaps you should be president. Just to let you know though, you seem to be off your game. Personally I am an asexual and I'm really happy with myself and my life right now. Being someone who has suffered from depression in the past I know it has absolutely nothing to do with my asexuality and neither do medications (as I am on none.) Thank you once again for clarifying everything for us. Can't wait to see your comments on other hubs.
K.K. - I am so sorry to hear that but I am happy you have found self discovery. With knowledge there is power and now you know what you are you can find ways to work with it. There are others out there like you and others still willing to work with or around you to be with you. I am confident you will find someone.
amy: You're not destined to be alone forever. There are lot of fish in the sea, as we say. You may find someone like yourself or you may find someone who can work with you in a way you are both comfortable. If you really truly want to become sexual well... all I can suggest is going to visit a doctor and having a hormone panel done, or perhaps a shrink to see if you're harboring anxieties from a trauma or something else. These MIGHT be an explanation and they might be able to help you but in the end asexuality is a very mysterious thing and there very often isn't a concrete answer out there. That being said there is hope. Many people love the one their with because they're the perfect personality to be with them. This doesn't always have to involve sex or sexuality. Just look at really old couples. You know they haven't done anything in years and yet they're still holding hands as they sit on a bench in the park.
A Person: That can certainly explain some of us but certainly not all of us. You can't tell me the 2% of asexual sheep out there are just avoiding memories of being buggered. At least I would certainly hope not! (My point is asexuality is not just a human thing, it's seen fairly commonly throughout many species of animals.)
DavidUK: I'd love to answer your questions more effectively but the only answer I really have is that we are all different. Do I think we're more perverse than any other subset of sexuality? No, I do not believe so. Do I believe asexuals are all completely celibate, even towards themselves? No, at least some of us are not. There are lots of reasons for personal pleasure, perhaps stress reduction or a cure to insomnia, libido isn't always one of them, and libido is the only thing that defines an asexual. We have no drive or desire. That doesn't mean all of us hate sex, that none of us enjoy it, or that self love is somehow off in some way. However this doesn't mean we lack anything when it comes to human emotions and connections. There are no more of us that fall in love with the toaster or the Eiffel tower than there are sexual persons. That would be a whole different issue!
david852: Of course our population could be higher. There are no studies done on just asexuals so statistics are really hard to come by. When inquiring about someone who has sexual fantasies about let's say having sex with a building I just can't answer you... I wouldn't personally put that under the asexual umbrella because if said person could do a building they probably would... Asexuals are merely someone who has no desire to pursue sex, nothing more, nothing less.
Rekab: There are all sorts of people in this world and that's great. Being asexual doesn't have to come from some sort of dysfunctional upbringing. It can result from that but I am willing to bet most of us can't blame that. Anyone who doesn't want to be in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean they're an asexual, just means they don't want to be in a relationship. I think many asexuals do want to be in a relationship they just choose not to because they find the sex thing to be too much of an issue to want to deal with.
kat_xk8: Good for you in accepting yourself as who you are. I love to see that. So many of us are tortured because we let the speculations and opinions of those around us get to us too much. It's always refreshing to see someone who says, "I know who I am, I am this person, and I am happy and content in this."
AppleJax: Doctor Who isn't a comedy but it does have an asexual character and lots of laughs. I love the show personally. Check it out.
shekaga: Sorry I don't know any German references but I can send you to AVEN. The people on the forum there might be able to help you, who knows. There's a purple button to the top right that says "enter forums." Don't ask me why I can't link it directly. http://www.asexuality.org/en/
Lyzz: Asexuals can absolutely be sexually active. I know they may get hissed at by some purists but like I said before most of us do want to be in a relationship with someone because there are so many other benefits besides sex within a relationship. Personally I found myself in shock because I suddenly gained a boyfriend at 25. We are sexually active and I do enjoy it but as I said before there's no drive for more. That's what defines me. If my boyfriend dies or gets into an accident that prevents him from having sex ever again I'd be perfectly fine with that. It's like going to Paris. I went there once, had a lot of fun, and if someone wants to take me there again someday that'd be great but I'm not going to pine over it like "Oh man, I wish I were in Paris! If only I could get there..." Hope that helps. I might write an article soon about that whole thing too. It was a strange part of my life, the same part of my life I left these articles in abandonment. So sorry.
BeeM: Good for you! You've discovered a fine truth about yourself. There's really not much out there for asexuals right now but I can send you to AVEN. They have a pretty large community who may have more ideas than I do. Have fun. http://www.asexuality.org/home/
Do you know if there is a treatment for it??? I dont want to be disrespectful to anyone but i hate feeling like i have to lie to everyone about who i am as i feel i will be treated differently if they know. I just want to be normal
"Treatment" assumes that the reason for an individual case of asexuality is medical or psychological and that the individual wishes to have it changed. If that is what you wish than all the power to you but don't get your hopes up to high. Asexuality is a poorly studied occurrence and "treatments" in the medical field are usually based on guesswork, in the psychology field it also largely depends. I wrote this article mostly in support of people who do not feel asexuality is a problem in their lives and feel they should be able to live their lives freely with this personality characteristic. You don't have to tell people anymore than they have to tell you their orientation, though in my personal experience I have been met with far more curiosity than judgement from the public at large. Its something to think about. Best wishes to you in your journey, whatever path you choose.
I definatly wonder if I'm asexual. I know Ièm already not a romantic person and I must admit part of it might be the fact that I don't like the idea of getting that close with anyone and I certainly wouldn;t do it just for the hell of it with someone random. If that were it though I think I would have at least have been attracted to soemone before. The idea of sex is just...I dunno. It doesn't strike me. I don't even get the appeal of kissing ^^;
robie2 Level 6 Commenter 4 years ago
or maybe it's just a matter of hormones:-)Who cares. I take you at your word, Theo--you are who and what you are and that's fine with me, I don't much care who you are or are not sexually attracted to,but I always notice when you publish a new hub as I find your intellect sharp and your writing excellent.